Withdrawal

      I had to think really hard I will use this next memory and when it happened. I couldn't remember if it was when I was 14 or 15. I do remember it was after I started my job at Big Boy (I almost spelled it at Big Boys with the 'S" because that is how we pronounce it in Michigan😏) restaurant in St. Ignace.  After thinking about it for a while I figured out that I was 15 and a Sophomore in Highschool because I started working at Big boy the summer when I was 14, just getting ready to turn 15.  I also remember the age of this particular visit because I was asked to go to the prom.  And this prom was was my sophomore year.   

       I don't think it was during Christmas time, like I said before I don't recall her coming home during Christmas or spending a Christmas celebration with us.  It was probably in February or March? When she came home this time, it was still very cold out.  On this visit home, she brought one suitcase and I don't remember a man with her this time.  I remember her coming into the house with the one suitcase and she was allowed to sleep in my aunt's room because my Aunt had married and moved out by then.  My Aunt's room was was actually quite a bit bigger than my room and it had burnt orange carpeting (it was the 80s when we moved in) I was always jealous of my aunt's room because it was closer to the living room and basically warmer. My room was at the end of the hallway of our double-wide house (now referred to as "manufactured home") and my aunt's room was at the beginning of the hallway.  We had a wood stove in the house and my grandpa would put a fan in the back of the woodstove to help push the warm air down the hallway. With my room and my Grandparent's room at the end of the hallway, we didn't get too much of the warm air.  I think I had around four blankets piled on me at night to keep me warm.  Later I got a heated waterbed that helped to keep me warm. 

    I cannot remember what color that suitcase was for the life-of-me however,  I do remember what she had in the suitcase.  She came home very very unhealthy skinny this time and when she unloaded her suitcase I remember she pulled out tall high heels and little what-I-call Bobbysocks which had lace that went around the ankles. The high heels were platform heels with probably a 5-inch high heel. She had some other stockings that were a little bit sexy and of course just a few other things such as her makeup and probably personal items...she was always concerned about her make-up, her Baby Soft perfume for you, and those shoes.  It was funny because at that time I pulled out the shoes and I asked "what kind of shoes are these?" she looked at me and said, "what baby those are just my high heels that's all,  I love my high heels" now if people knew my mom when she was in Michigan my mom didn't wear high heels that damn high too often and those shoes actually looked like "hooker heels" and they basically went with the little bobbysocks you know that hookers wore. From the looks of the contents of her suitcase, she literally brought everything she owned and nothing more.  Right then and there, I knew that my mom was doing things that she was not supposed to be doing on the corner of Van Buren and wherever in Phoenix to get whatever amount of money it took to get to the drugs she was using.  I knew there was something more going on because of her how skinny she was.

    I remember she went to the bathroom and of course, I followed,  she gave me big hug. My mom always had great hugs. She put all of her warmth into her hugs.  (My entire family are good huggers) I remember a lot of her hugs, I can still remember the smell she had with the hugs.  She would have on her leather jacket and I would be able to smell the mixture of leather, cool cigarettes, and her Baby Soft perfume.  This time was a little different with her hug...I could feel her clavicle, scapular bones, ribs, and spine very well. She was so so skinny. She was so skinny that one time she did ask me if she could wear a pair of my jeans (acid washed with a zipper & bow at the ankle) and at that time I think I wore size 1 or  3 and the jeans were way too baggy for her 5'7" frame.  That's how thin she was. 

     The same time we were in the bathroom, I noticed her hands were shaking really bad so I asked her why her hands were shaking. She looked right at me without flinching or trying to think about how to answer and said "I'm going through withdrawal baby" The way she said it was like it was a "normal" thing. There wasn't any waiver in her telling me, no sitting down and explaining what was happening to her. Just point blank as if everyone knew what she was going through like it was a normal everyday thing!  Of course, I actually had absolutely no idea what-in-the-world withdrawal was!  I had no idea......but, the next day I found out exactly what withdrawal is.