Will be cursing in this post

 This morning as I was walking my dog when my memories started.  Sometimes I know what will trigger a memory of my past and my Mom.  Sometimes it is a certain smell, or when I am looking at jewelry.  I remember her loving turquoise with silver.  She wore the big turquoise rings and silver bracelets.  Not sure why she wore so many rings because unfortunately, our genes did not pass down the beautiful long thin fingers like you may see some women have.  Sometimes a trigger may be me seeing someone walk similar to the way my Mom walked.  I actually had a friend tell me "I like how your Mom walks".  She did have a special type of walk.  She has long legs and would almost seem as though she walked on her toes.  I will tell you that she always had great posture.  Always kept her shoulders back and her stomach tucked in, I never recall my Mom slouching.  

This memory sorta starts from where I left off after the three of us moved in with my Mom for a few days at least.  As you know, my Mom didn't live in the greatest area in Phoenix.  It was the hood. My friends didn't judge.  I guess we were so happy to be in a big city and we were just excited to get out and explore.  Had no idea where we really were, and we were completely invincible, blind, and just down-right ignorant to the area we were at.  Even later that day or the next day when my friend and I walked to the payphone to call home to let our family know we got to Phoenix safely when big lady with hair all over the place and a toddler in tow came up to us and asks us "do you have any crystal?".  My ignorant self looked at my friend puzzled and whispered to her "you have one around your neck" my friend looked at me and says "No dummy!  She is not asking about that type of crystal, she is asking if we have the type you smoke!".  I just started laughing and we both just started walking away (maybe running) from the lady to the payphone.  And at night there would be gunfire.  Still didn't phase us.  

I did get phased when I used the bathroom in my Mom's apartment and saw these old pantyhose hanging from the doorknob on the back of the door.  It seemed odd when I noticed that the hose were tied to have knots throughout them, and what looked like splotches of blood.  I knew exactly what that was, I knew exactly what I was looking at hanging from the back of the door.  These were ties she used to tie off her veins when she was shooting herself up!  I grabbed them and went out to her asked her "what the hell are these?"  She made up some bullshit about her using them when she gets a cut from shaving her legs.  I didn't say anything more because I didn't have to.  She knew what I was getting at and turns around and grabs them and says "see baby, I will throw them in the trash!".  I was still pissed.  But there was nothing I could do, I brought my friends to Phoenix to "save" my Mom and I had to stay there, we had no money and nowhere else to go!  

Do you remember when I posted she was never alone? Or any addicts never start their drugs of choice alone?  That she always had someone else to get the drugs for her?  That is so true!  That nasty greasy, nasty buck-toothed mother fucker called "Skip" was the one that she couldn't live without, the one "that gives me things" "he is good to me Bridget" was outside the next day in the back seat of someone's car with his nasty ass hanging his greasy arms into the front seat making an "exchange" in the car.  Skip was her provider, this is how he kept her happy.

Addiction

      

ADDICTION is defined as:

" 1.  a compulsive, chronic, physiological, or psychological need for a habit-forming substance, behavior, or activity having harmful physical, psychological, or social effects and typically causing well-defined symptoms (such as anxiety, irritability, tremors, or nausea) upon withdrawal or abstinence: the state of being addicted

2.   a strong inclination to do, use, or indulge in something repeatedly"  (www.merriam-webster.com)
     There are several forms of addiction and some people feel that one addiction may not be as "harmful" as another due to the idea of how the addiction can harm a person's body physically, psychologically, or might hurt others.  
     There are several forms of addiction: drugs, alcohol, gambling, food, sex, etc.  How or why does one become addicted?  Basically, the want or craving a person has is due to the chemical imbalance in the brain called dopamine.  This is a "good" feeling a person feels when they do or an action and the person always wants or craves that "good" feeling.  The feeding the addiction allows a person's brain to NOT feel the uncomfortableness they may be feeling.  Feeding that addiction gives the person a "calm" in their life.  DNA (family genes) is also a factor in whether or not a person may be prone to addiction or may have an addictive personality.  Addictions that come from genetics may be present in every generation of a family member i.e., father to daughter, daughter to grandson, etc. or the addiction gene may skip a generation such as father to granddaughter.   
    With my Mom, I believe she did have the gene which made her addicted.  It may be the gene from my Great Grandfather on my Mom's side.  From what I have been told by my Grandma is that my Great Grandpa Ciupka was a "drunk" he would drink and then become very mean to his wife and kids.  But, as I got older and my Grandpa got older and as I put two-and-two together I can see how maybe it would have come from his genes also.  My Grandpa had a very bad back and had surgeries for his back, he also had a terrible time with his hands and pain in his hands which turned into what is now called "trigger finger" I think he also had Rheumatoid arthritis.  As he aged I would see and hear that he "needed" pain medication such as Norco.  But again, growing up he never drank too much, take too much aspirin.  But I do know his pain was very real and maybe he did want to suppress the pain.  
     As I may have said in a different post, my Mom broke her back in gymnastics when she was young and of course given pain meds.  And she also was pained with no longer being the "baby" of the family after my Aunt Angie was born.  For 11 years she was the "baby".  All attention on Susie.  Just from those two examples of what happened to my Mom, a person can now see how a person who is genetically prone to having an addiction will become an addict.  I am sure she was thinking "What can make me feel better both physically and emotionally with the changes that have all-of-the-sudden popped up in my life?  Pain meds take the physical pain I have in my back away and the "stronger" stuff will take the emotional pain away."  Right?  
     In the 60s and 70s, when my Mom was in her pre-teen and teen years, there may not have been as much science or studies where people would have known about addition.  Or spoke about addiction even though during the Hippie era drugs were big.  Now-a-days  you can find out what you want to know about anything by just looking it up on the intranet.  Back then, and still now, "addicts are bad people, they are dirty, they are trouble makers" they were embarrassing.  I mean when you think about it, there was actually Cocaine in Coke!  
     I found out not too long ago while speaking to my Grandma, the first time my Mom was involved with drugs was when she came home from the park at 12 years old via Police escort due to having possession of marijuana.  Now, the subject of marijuana (weed) use  and weed being an "gateway" drug which can lead to harder drugs, which can easily kill a person, and then eventually become a terrible addiction is often a subject of disagreement or maybe even controversary.  Some folks who utilize weed as a "social" drug such as social drinkers do not look or have the urge to have a "better" high and move on to harder drugs such as crack, cocaine, meth, opiods, or heroin.  I smoked weed a few times when I was young and never had the feeling of wanting more.  In fact I didn't really enjoy the way it made me feel or how it altered my thinking.  BUT, I truly believe if a person has to smoke weed when they wake up, need it when they go to work, or need it when they end the day every day the person is addicted to marijuana.  That is what I think.
    I don't know what stages my Mom went from using pills or weed to fulfill that "good" feeling it gave her to the harder drugs. I don't know if she went in stages from weed to coke to crack to whatever.  I do know that she and the men she was with throughout the years were following or chasing the drugs. I don't know who introduced or how she was introduced to heroin or even how a person would think sticking a needle in your arm to get high was OK.  I don't know what age she was.  But she did.  And I remember exactly when she was a full blown addict and when she was maybe, just maybe at her lowest.