Stevie, I hope you are well

 Stevie was one of the siblings to who I was the closest growing up.  I was closest to him because we kept more in touch with him than my other siblings.  I didn’t really meet my other siblings until I was an adult. I really don't know the reason, and I was a kid.  I don’t know if I asked or not.  When I think about it Stevie and I really weren't that close.  I really don't know if he enjoyed coming to our house to visit or if he was forced to do so.  I don't know why he came around when he did.  He didn't call too often.  I remember my Grandma asking him one time why he didn't call and maybe we chalked it up to him just being a boy or a young man and being a kid, he may have not thought of it.  I lived in a town where there wasn't too much to do so maybe he didn't like that portion of visiting.  But it seemed as though he enjoyed being with us when we would do crazy outdoor stuff like fishing, swimming in the swimming hole in the river, fighting the roosters, and helping my Grandpa do outdoor stuff like helping with wood, or mowing the lawn.  We would have a great time in the woods, fishing in the river barefoot & swimming in the swimming hole in the river (which I would never do today!).  For some reason even though I was not on the mind of my brother, I absolutely adored my older brother.  When he was around I wanted to be around him.  I always wanted to be by his side. I always wanted to touch him (not in a weird way) and I always wanted to show him off to my friends.  Just like my Mom and how I always wanted to show her off even if she wasn't worthy of showing off to anyone.   Steve was worthy of showing off.  

    All of the girls loved Stevie.  He had dirty blonde hair and sky blue eyes.  Yes, we have no similarities in the looks.   I think he got the blue eyes from my Grandpa and the blonde is from his Dad's side.  When I saw him as an adult I see his Dad.  He looked just like Steve Pahlkotter.  

     The last time I have seen Stevie was in Phoenix, he moved to Phoenix to find our Mom after his Dad passed away from a car crash.  I guess he wanted someone to be in contact with some form of parent.  I don't think Stevie had the greatest relationship with his father, but I am not really sure and I do t want to speak for him because you never k ow they may have been super close.  The father-son relationship was never spoken about.  When he moved to Phoenix he made the move after he was supposed to be on an extended leave from the Merchant Marine position he held.  It was a great job for him.  It was alot of hard work from what I understand but he made lot of money due to the fact that they stay on the boats/ships for 6 months a year.  I have heard that the single guys just make money because they don't have too many bills stateside and they don't get off the boat too often to spend that money. 

     When he went to visit with our Mom duing his leave, I almost can guarantee you that she manipulated him to stay in Phoenix, live with her and she spent his money on whatever she deterimined she was going to tell him he needed to buy her.  I know she layed the guilt  trip on him bad.  Probably said any story she could think of to make him feel as if she wasn't guilty for anything that happened and the reason why she left him when he was a baby.  The “whoa-is-me” was laid in thick.  Even though the guilt factor was huge, I am almost sure the story about why she left was true, the way she told the story made the difference.  I wish I could explain better her manipulation but I just can’t.  You all probably know a person who manipulates.. twists words etc.  but, multiply that by 10.  This is how she manipulates.  She is the queen of gas lighting. 

     Back to why I am writing about Stevie.  I think  about him so much because his heart was so filled with empathy for his Mom.  He wanted (maybe still wants) her love.  

     The last time I saw Stevie around 2006, he was riding his old 10-speed bike in Phoenix to his job in Walmart in Glendale.  Probably a good 15-20 mile distance in the Phoenix heat to work during the summer.  He was now broke.  My Mom most likely talked him out of all of the money he saved from the Merchant Marines and he was no longer working for them.  He did not extend his contract. My Mom would go to Walmart to make a ruckus, have one of her “fits”.  Not sure how long he lasted there with her going to his job to make a commotion.  He couldn’t have a girl because my Mom would break them up.  

Because I think of Stevie & the last thing I ever heard my Mom say; I pray Stevie is doing well. 

          

Black Widow

          I don't remember too much about when my Mom came home or came back to Michigan to find another man and get pregnant.  Yes, there are a total of five of us who were birthed by my Mom.  Steve is the oldest born in 1973, me 1974, Armando I believe 1978 or 79, Tessie 1981 and Sadie 1983.  I had photos of Armando and me when he was a baby.

(Armando and I)

  I don't remember him being born, though.

     Tessie was born in Arizona, so I never got to be around her when she was born.  I was there when Sadie was born.  She was born in Alpena, and I was able to hold her.  I believe the only births my Grandparents were around to see were Steve and Sadie. 
 
   
Steve's Dad was Steve.  Steve died in 1998 by flipping his Camero.  From what I understand, he fell asleep at the wheel.  They say he had narcolepsy.

Steve with his Dad, my Mom and Me

Armando's Dad died from an overdose.  I don't know what year it was killed. I think the culprit was heroin. Tessie and Sadie's Dad was Ted. Ted died from a motorcycle crash.  I don't know for sure what year.   My Dad is unknown, and my Mom won't tell me who it is.  It is accurate, my Mom is a black widow.

  We were all raised by different people.  Not together.  As I noted in a separate post, Steve and I would see each other the most.  Steve and his step Mom Jayne raised Steve.  I was raised and then adopted by my Grandparents on my Mom's side.  Armando's Dad raised Armando until he died when Armando was either 14 or 16, and his Aunt finished raising him.  Grandma Sarah raised Tessie and Sadie on their Dad's side. He died when they were tiny.

Where did Susie go?

      Well, as you know, my Mom was a child of the '60s and '70s.  I guess.  No, I know she was a child of the hippie era.  Even up to the last time I spoke to her about 12 or 13 years ago (I think Anthony was in the 5th grade), she had a raspy voice and talked with singing-like sentences.  You know those people who stretch out their words when they speak, almost like they are whining but not whining.

     Anyhoo, of course, I don't remember what happened during their short-term marriage.  Don't know if there was a lot of fighting, who the guilty person was, or why they ended up divorced.  I think the marriage lasted for maybe two years. It is funny because my Mom never spoke ill of Steven.  In fact, she never spoke ill of any of the men that she had kids with.  I think it may have been due to her being in the wrong.  She probably knew whatever happened to end any of the relationships was due to something she did. 

   Now, from what I am told, my brother Steve went with his father Steven, and I went with my Mom.  I wasn't with my Mom for too long before she felt as though she couldn't take care of me.  She felt as though leaving me at a church with a coloring book was the best route for leaving me.  I do have to give her kudos for that departure though.  I should feel "blessed" literally, for being left on a church pew with a coloring book at two years old.  And I am happy that she had enough knowledge to let the pastor know I was there. I was left sitting on the pew in a dirty wet diaper coloring. 
 
 My Grandparents got a phone call from the pastor to come and pick me up.  I don't know the entire story behind how the Pastor knew who to call. And there you have it, this is how I ended up with my Grandparents.  I think they did have to go to court for custody, and Steven (my so-called Father) told the court that I was not his child.  Thank God for my Grandparents choosing to pick me up.  I am not sure where I would have been if they didn't. 

   Where did Susie go?  Why did she leave her child?