My Grandpa

 

It's been a while since I blogged.  However, today a memory made me think of my Grandpa. My Grandpa was my man.  He was very special to me and as I may have mentioned previously in other posts.  He seemed as though he was always a grumpy old codger, but to me he wasn't.  He treated well and he would joke around with me or play jokes on me and then he would laugh to himself. He didn't bother me, and he didn't nag me.  He would also let me play a joke on him also. He was the man who taught me to play softball. I have so many stories I can tell about my Grandpa.  

My Grandpa passed away from an abdominal aortic aneurysm.  One of the main causes or reasons why a person will get an Aortic aneurysm is from smoking, smoking weakens the walls of blood vessels.  

We were stationed in Alaska when he started to get sick.  I went back to Michigan when my aunt and uncle called and told me that he was very sick, and they (I think hospital medical staff) said he would be best in a nursing home to provide him around the clock care.  I went to visit him while he was in the nursing home.  I spoiled him a little bit and bought him candy to eat since the aneurysm was growing so quickly that he couldn't eat and basically, he didn't want to eat.  I also bought him pajama bottoms with beer mugs on them so he could easily get them up and down when he had to use the bathroom.  He thought they were hilarious!  

In the meantime, of him getting sick our family PCS'd to Colorado.  I got a phone call from my aunt and uncle and they let me know to get home because he was moved to a Hospital and the hospital was trying to keep him alive until I got there. At that time I remembered a promise to my Mom. I told her that I would get her home if either of my Grandparents were very sick so she could see them before they passed.  I got my Mom tickets to Michigan and met her in Detroit.  She was nervous.  

We got to the hospital at night.  My aunt and uncle told me that the hospital was trying to keep him alive until we got there.  I remember this image a clear as it was yesterday; we walked into the room, my Mom yelled with her scratchy voice "DADDY" and I said Hi Grandpa! My Grandpa took a breath, and it looked like he wanted to open his eyes. He raised his eyebrows like he knew the voice. Just a few minutes later, my Grandpa passed away.  It was almost like he waited for us to come so he could pass on.  We stayed for about an hour after before the rigor mortis set in.  

We stayed at my aunt and uncle's place while we were in Michigan.  That night was my Mom's first episode.  Her first "fit" of the stay. You know the fits I described in other posts?  She paced back and forth, she made her hands ball up in fists, and she started yelling, sticking out her bottom teeth while she was yelling, etc.  The stress probably made it kick in. Or the fact that she didn't bring her methadone or mental health meds she was supposed to bring!  I called my brother the next day and told him what happened, and he then told me about her not bringing the meds.  He says so nonchalantly "she didn't want to bring them". What? How did he send her to Michigan without such important items? Wait till you hear about the rest of the visit.....  

Stevie, I hope you are well

 Stevie was one of the siblings to who I was the closest growing up.  I was closest to him because we kept more in touch with him than my other siblings.  I didn’t really meet my other siblings until I was an adult. I really don't know the reason, and I was a kid.  I don’t know if I asked or not.  When I think about it Stevie and I really weren't that close.  I really don't know if he enjoyed coming to our house to visit or if he was forced to do so.  I don't know why he came around when he did.  He didn't call too often.  I remember my Grandma asking him one time why he didn't call and maybe we chalked it up to him just being a boy or a young man and being a kid, he may have not thought of it.  I lived in a town where there wasn't too much to do so maybe he didn't like that portion of visiting.  But it seemed as though he enjoyed being with us when we would do crazy outdoor stuff like fishing, swimming in the swimming hole in the river, fighting the roosters, and helping my Grandpa do outdoor stuff like helping with wood, or mowing the lawn.  We would have a great time in the woods, fishing in the river barefoot & swimming in the swimming hole in the river (which I would never do today!).  For some reason even though I was not on the mind of my brother, I absolutely adored my older brother.  When he was around I wanted to be around him.  I always wanted to be by his side. I always wanted to touch him (not in a weird way) and I always wanted to show him off to my friends.  Just like my Mom and how I always wanted to show her off even if she wasn't worthy of showing off to anyone.   Steve was worthy of showing off.  

    All of the girls loved Stevie.  He had dirty blonde hair and sky blue eyes.  Yes, we have no similarities in the looks.   I think he got the blue eyes from my Grandpa and the blonde is from his Dad's side.  When I saw him as an adult I see his Dad.  He looked just like Steve Pahlkotter.  

     The last time I have seen Stevie was in Phoenix, he moved to Phoenix to find our Mom after his Dad passed away from a car crash.  I guess he wanted someone to be in contact with some form of parent.  I don't think Stevie had the greatest relationship with his father, but I am not really sure and I do t want to speak for him because you never k ow they may have been super close.  The father-son relationship was never spoken about.  When he moved to Phoenix he made the move after he was supposed to be on an extended leave from the Merchant Marine position he held.  It was a great job for him.  It was alot of hard work from what I understand but he made lot of money due to the fact that they stay on the boats/ships for 6 months a year.  I have heard that the single guys just make money because they don't have too many bills stateside and they don't get off the boat too often to spend that money. 

     When he went to visit with our Mom duing his leave, I almost can guarantee you that she manipulated him to stay in Phoenix, live with her and she spent his money on whatever she deterimined she was going to tell him he needed to buy her.  I know she layed the guilt  trip on him bad.  Probably said any story she could think of to make him feel as if she wasn't guilty for anything that happened and the reason why she left him when he was a baby.  The “whoa-is-me” was laid in thick.  Even though the guilt factor was huge, I am almost sure the story about why she left was true, the way she told the story made the difference.  I wish I could explain better her manipulation but I just can’t.  You all probably know a person who manipulates.. twists words etc.  but, multiply that by 10.  This is how she manipulates.  She is the queen of gas lighting. 

     Back to why I am writing about Stevie.  I think  about him so much because his heart was so filled with empathy for his Mom.  He wanted (maybe still wants) her love.  

     The last time I saw Stevie around 2006, he was riding his old 10-speed bike in Phoenix to his job in Walmart in Glendale.  Probably a good 15-20 mile distance in the Phoenix heat to work during the summer.  He was now broke.  My Mom most likely talked him out of all of the money he saved from the Merchant Marines and he was no longer working for them.  He did not extend his contract. My Mom would go to Walmart to make a ruckus, have one of her “fits”.  Not sure how long he lasted there with her going to his job to make a commotion.  He couldn’t have a girl because my Mom would break them up.  

Because I think of Stevie & the last thing I ever heard my Mom say; I pray Stevie is doing well. 

          

HATE

While having a conversation with a person I heard them speak about a family member and the person said "I hate them, no really, I just hate them".  I don't know if the person really meant that they really did hate their family members or if they were just really angry at them for one reason or another.  

 Hate is defined as; feeling intense or passionate dislike for (someone) or intense or passionate dislike, of course, a person can utilize the word as a verb or a noun.  

I was taught the word hate is a very strong word and shouldn't be used.  A person may "hate" what another person has done or hate a certain feeling they may get about certain food.  "I hate that they acted that way" "I hate anchovies".  However, stating you "hate" another person is a very strong word that is utilized very rarely.  I believe that a person should never utilize the word "hate" when speaking about a family member.    Of course, there are good reasons for maybe hating a family member such as maybe rape or murder.   

I cannot stand some people and have a very dislike for them and they make me cringe thinking about them and I automatically make a disgusting face when I think about them but I don't know if I use the word "hate" because I don't personally know them.  I have had a boss that automatically makes my face look disgusted even thinking about him and what he did.😤

One of my siblings has said they hate my Mom and she was dead.  I basically knew she was not because someone from the police department or morgue or someone who deals with the dead would contact me because my Mom has always had my information somewhere on her person.  I was so upset that he would say something like that out of the blue.  Why would a person say "she's dead, I know she's dead"?  It is just sickening to me.  Was it what he was wishing?  And even though I know a word about her death would get to me, I did call the police departments and the morgues to find out if there was anyone with the name Susie or Sonny Green found dead.  She is still alive.  

When telling a family member that story, a different person says something like "I wish she was dead, I wouldn't give a damn if she was found rotting in a dumpster".  Now, hearing that got me.  I didn't say anything because I didn't want to ruin the day but how could someone, a person of God say something like that?  Even when I think about what was said that day, today it still chokes me up when I think about it.

You know, all of the pain she has put me, my siblings, and my family through time and time again, I have never said, "I hate my Mom" or said "I hate you" to her after all that she has done to me, my siblings, or my family throughout the years.   I told her I was done with her, and I can't take her no more especially when her words got really mean.  I don't hate her.  I love my Mom.

Black Widow

          I don't remember too much about when my Mom came home or came back to Michigan to find another man and get pregnant.  Yes, there are a total of five of us who were birthed by my Mom.  Steve is the oldest born in 1973, me 1974, Armando I believe 1978 or 79, Tessie 1981 and Sadie 1983.  I had photos of Armando and me when he was a baby.

(Armando and I)

  I don't remember him being born, though.

     Tessie was born in Arizona, so I never got to be around her when she was born.  I was there when Sadie was born.  She was born in Alpena, and I was able to hold her.  I believe the only births my Grandparents were around to see were Steve and Sadie. 
 
   
Steve's Dad was Steve.  Steve died in 1998 by flipping his Camero.  From what I understand, he fell asleep at the wheel.  They say he had narcolepsy.

Steve with his Dad, my Mom and Me

Armando's Dad died from an overdose.  I don't know what year it was killed. I think the culprit was heroin. Tessie and Sadie's Dad was Ted. Ted died from a motorcycle crash.  I don't know for sure what year.   My Dad is unknown, and my Mom won't tell me who it is.  It is accurate, my Mom is a black widow.

  We were all raised by different people.  Not together.  As I noted in a separate post, Steve and I would see each other the most.  Steve and his step Mom Jayne raised Steve.  I was raised and then adopted by my Grandparents on my Mom's side.  Armando's Dad raised Armando until he died when Armando was either 14 or 16, and his Aunt finished raising him.  Grandma Sarah raised Tessie and Sadie on their Dad's side. He died when they were tiny.