Stevie, I hope you are well

 Stevie was one of the siblings to who I was the closest growing up.  I was closest to him because we kept more in touch with him than my other siblings.  I didn’t really meet my other siblings until I was an adult. I really don't know the reason, and I was a kid.  I don’t know if I asked or not.  When I think about it Stevie and I really weren't that close.  I really don't know if he enjoyed coming to our house to visit or if he was forced to do so.  I don't know why he came around when he did.  He didn't call too often.  I remember my Grandma asking him one time why he didn't call and maybe we chalked it up to him just being a boy or a young man and being a kid, he may have not thought of it.  I lived in a town where there wasn't too much to do so maybe he didn't like that portion of visiting.  But it seemed as though he enjoyed being with us when we would do crazy outdoor stuff like fishing, swimming in the swimming hole in the river, fighting the roosters, and helping my Grandpa do outdoor stuff like helping with wood, or mowing the lawn.  We would have a great time in the woods, fishing in the river barefoot & swimming in the swimming hole in the river (which I would never do today!).  For some reason even though I was not on the mind of my brother, I absolutely adored my older brother.  When he was around I wanted to be around him.  I always wanted to be by his side. I always wanted to touch him (not in a weird way) and I always wanted to show him off to my friends.  Just like my Mom and how I always wanted to show her off even if she wasn't worthy of showing off to anyone.   Steve was worthy of showing off.  

    All of the girls loved Stevie.  He had dirty blonde hair and sky blue eyes.  Yes, we have no similarities in the looks.   I think he got the blue eyes from my Grandpa and the blonde is from his Dad's side.  When I saw him as an adult I see his Dad.  He looked just like Steve Pahlkotter.  

     The last time I have seen Stevie was in Phoenix, he moved to Phoenix to find our Mom after his Dad passed away from a car crash.  I guess he wanted someone to be in contact with some form of parent.  I don't think Stevie had the greatest relationship with his father, but I am not really sure and I do t want to speak for him because you never k ow they may have been super close.  The father-son relationship was never spoken about.  When he moved to Phoenix he made the move after he was supposed to be on an extended leave from the Merchant Marine position he held.  It was a great job for him.  It was alot of hard work from what I understand but he made lot of money due to the fact that they stay on the boats/ships for 6 months a year.  I have heard that the single guys just make money because they don't have too many bills stateside and they don't get off the boat too often to spend that money. 

     When he went to visit with our Mom duing his leave, I almost can guarantee you that she manipulated him to stay in Phoenix, live with her and she spent his money on whatever she deterimined she was going to tell him he needed to buy her.  I know she layed the guilt  trip on him bad.  Probably said any story she could think of to make him feel as if she wasn't guilty for anything that happened and the reason why she left him when he was a baby.  The “whoa-is-me” was laid in thick.  Even though the guilt factor was huge, I am almost sure the story about why she left was true, the way she told the story made the difference.  I wish I could explain better her manipulation but I just can’t.  You all probably know a person who manipulates.. twists words etc.  but, multiply that by 10.  This is how she manipulates.  She is the queen of gas lighting. 

     Back to why I am writing about Stevie.  I think  about him so much because his heart was so filled with empathy for his Mom.  He wanted (maybe still wants) her love.  

     The last time I saw Stevie around 2006, he was riding his old 10-speed bike in Phoenix to his job in Walmart in Glendale.  Probably a good 15-20 mile distance in the Phoenix heat to work during the summer.  He was now broke.  My Mom most likely talked him out of all of the money he saved from the Merchant Marines and he was no longer working for them.  He did not extend his contract. My Mom would go to Walmart to make a ruckus, have one of her “fits”.  Not sure how long he lasted there with her going to his job to make a commotion.  He couldn’t have a girl because my Mom would break them up.  

Because I think of Stevie & the last thing I ever heard my Mom say; I pray Stevie is doing well. 

          

What next?

 The next few years went by pretty fast.  When my Mom left the last time, my Grandparents decided to adopt me.  My Grandparents had to put an ad in the Alpena news to my Mom and anyone else who may have something to say about my adoption.  I am not really sure the legal reasons why this ad had to be done, but I guess it had to be done.  I remember my Grandpa asked me to sit down at the table because they, being my Grandma and Grandpa, wanted to talk to me about something.  We all sat down at the kitchen table.  Then my Grandpa says with his low voice something like "I think it would be best if we adopted you."  Is that something you would like?  I remember the feeling for just a brief second of "why now?" and “hmmmm....do I really want to be adopted?” And then my Grandpa says that it would help them out financially if I were adopted and they would pay me $50.00 a month if I agreed to it.   After thinking of it more I did feel a little different about being adopted.  How would people think of me?  I knew my Grandpa was adopted and he said people treated him terribly because he was adopted when he was growing up so, as a teenager I wasn't sure how people my age would treat me if they knew about it.  And then I thought, OK if they are going to pay me $50.00 a month...why not?  And then my Grandpa asked me if I wanted to keep my last name Pahlkotter or change it to their last name Green.  I chose to keep my last name because it would be too difficult to explain why my last name changed.  Plus, I was actually really used to my long "odd" last name.  

     The adoption happened, there was no celebration, no new feeling about myself, no new feeling about how I felt about anything.  I still called my Grandparents Grandma and Grandpa, called my Aunts Aunt, and my Mom Mom.  And I think I only received one monthly payment?  I didn't ask about the payment because I just thought that if they wanted to adopt me they probably really needed the money. I actually never brought up the adoption to anyone until I became an adult and had to fill out official paperwork, especially when I married my husband who was in the Military and it was time for me to get a passport. I just recently found out after my Aunt has been bothering me about not believing I was adopted, was my Grandparents never let my Aunts know I was adopted.  From what I gather, my Grandpa didn’t want to let my Aunts know because they would have caused trouble for them and there would have been fights.  Well, the “cause trouble” part came about 30 years late... my Aunt started harassing me this year about my adoption.  Not exactly why she is so torn or worried about it now.  She didn’t really care about my well-being when I was a kid.  

     I continued to work in St. Ignace that summer for the entire summer break. I worked at Big Boy for a while then upgraded to being a waitress at a White Fish restaurant to make more tips/ more money.   I made enough money that year to buy my first car which was a light blue Chevy Citation.  It was pretty funny looking, but it was in excellent condition!  It ran really well and had brand new tires and the interior was in perfect condition.  My friend and I used to call it the "Blue Egg".  I loved it.  It was actually really comfortable also with well-maintained seats.  

     My Junior year in High School was OK.  I wasn't allowed to go back to St. Ignace to work that summer though.  I am not sure why I was not allowed again, I made good money over the summers I worked up there and I didn't need any assistance buying my school clothes.  Just wasn't allowed to go back.

 Just before my senior year, my Grandpa sat me down again at the table and says "I think you should go to beauty school".  He said, you are always doing someone's hair and I can just hear him saying "hell, you would even do my hair".  Yes, there were times I would stand behind my Grandpa and curl his few hairs on his head with my curling iron.  He would just sit there and let me.  It was funny because one time I accidentally burned the top of his head.  He had a big scab on the top of his head for a little while 😄.  He then went on to tell me that I wouldn't have to worry about a job after I graduate and he said it was a successful career.  

     During my Senior year in Beauty School, I was not allowed to drive my own car to school every day because I could not afford the insurance while I was in school.  My Grandparents could not afford to add me to their insurance either.  So, my Grandpa took me to school every morning and drove me home every night.  At 17 years old and at 17 it was so embarrassing to be driven to class every day.  But thank God for Grandpa being a person who always wanted to be early to everything because I was almost always the first one to the school every day before others could see me :) and I made it to class every single day and was one of the first to finish my 1700 hours of training.   The best thing about doing this was that I was able to graduate from both Beauty School and High School at the same time.  The next best thing about this was my Grandpa loved me very much.  He would do things to get on my nerves on the way to school every day but when I think about it now, I wish I could get some of those times back again.  And for this man who had already had 4 girls of his own to raise, a man who was put through the gauntlet with my Mom and her problems to wake up every single morning to take me to school and then drive back to pick me up to ensure that I succeeded in life is pretty incredible.  My Grandpa took me to Detroit to pass the “Boards” to be certified as a cosmetologist.  I actually got offered a job before I graduated from Beauty School as a nail tech at a boutique in the mall.  I still love nails and have my own nails done as a routine.  And I can still do hair, I am not scared to cut my hair, & I still remember how to wrap a perm.

I have carried this around since 1992.  I lost the larger one but carried the wallet size everywhere we moved

     I don’t remember a whole lot of communication with my Mom during a couple of years.  She probably called once in a while from Prison & she did call when I graduated.  That was nice.